Sonoma County United Veterans Council
Joke and Story Page
Email us your best tasteful Jokes and we will post them
Proper
Job Placement
Methods from Human Resources
1. Put 400 bricks in
a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in
Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in
Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information
Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for
more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved,
congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way
that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.
The Blind Date
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."
Saying for the month:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old.
You grow old because you stop laughing.
Jokes of The Month
Hospital
Hospital
regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman
already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who
insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about
rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he
said. " She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital
gown."
Pastor's Business Card
A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came so he repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was the cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10'. Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter!
Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'
Genesis 3:10 reads, ' I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'
Murphy's Rules of Combat
A comprehensive list obtained from various sources
1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. If you can see the enemy, they can see you.
3. Incoming fire has the right of way.
4. Friendly fire isn't.
5. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is
incoming friendly fire
6. Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire. This is why aircraft carriers are called bomb magnets.
7. There is always a way.
8. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
9. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
10. The enemy only attacks on one of two occasions: When you're ready for them, and when you're not ready for them.
11. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
12. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
13. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
14. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
15. Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
16. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
17. If it's stupid but works, then it isn't stupid.
18. When in doubt empty the magazine.
19. Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
20. Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing nothing.
21. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
22. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
23. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
24. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
25. The word NAVY stands for "Never Again Volunteer Yourself".
26. The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
27. Five second fuses only last three seconds.
28. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
29. A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
30. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone.
31. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
32. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
33. You are not a superman.
34. No plan survives the first contact intact.
35. If you are forward of your position the artillery will always fall short.
36. The important things are always simple.
37. The simple things are always hard.
38. The easy path is always mined.
39. No combat ready unit ever passed inspection.
40. Beer math: two beers times 37 men equal 49 cases.
41. Body count math: two guerillas plus one portable plus two pigs equals 37 enemy KIA.
42. Things that must be together to work usually can't be shipped together. (Like trucks and fuel, or explosives and detonators)
43. Radios will fail as soon as you desperately need fire support.
44. Tracers work both ways.
45. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share of objectives to take.
46. When both sides are convinced that they are about to lose, they are both right.
47. If it moves, shoot it.
48. If it doesn't move, poke it with your gun barrel and then shoot it.
49. Overkill works.
50. Murphy was a grunt.
